Chaplains Corner by Colin Johnson, Neighbourhood Chaplain, Hockliffe Street Baptist Church

‘When does it get better Ma’am?’ ‘It doesn’t get better, but we get better at it.’ Queen Elizabeth The Queen Mother

A significant part of how we see ourselves is in relation to those around us so when our loved one dies there’s a loss of identity.

We must answer when people ask: “Do you have a partner?”, “Where do your parents live?”, “Do you have any brothers or sisters?”, “How many children do you have?”. These sorts of questions can make us realise how much we miss them and the important part they played in our life. Perhaps they took responsibility for the garden, the finances or simply putting the bin out. We miss them but also what they contributed to our world.

For many people who grieve it is important to have some kind of continuing bond with the person who’s gone. Some find they want to use their belongings, e.g. playing their music, wearing or making new things from their clothes. The presenter of the Bereavement Journey course videos says she kept her husband's sweatshirt and often wears it about the house and garden. Her son started to run marathons in remembrance of his dad.

But we do also have to begin to explore what a new identity for ourselves will look like. It will be difficult to come to terms with our new status. Initially we may make decisions with them in mind and think, “what would they do here?” As we grow more confident, we begin to make decisions for ourselves alone.

People I know tell me how much faith helps them through the grieving process. Being part of a loving church and knowing that Jesus is there with you, supporting you through all the pain and hurt makes a big difference. There’s also the Christian perspective of the afterlife which means all our investment is not in this life where things perish, spoil or fade. The Bible tells us: "So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen” (2 Corinthains 4:18).